relationship rhetoric

Giving Boyfriends Husband Benefits


This video garnered so many different responses, I HAD to blog about it. Watch the video…here [STOP PRAISING BOYFRIENDS by Tony A. Gaskins Jr.]

As I watched the video, my first thoughts were ‘how tired I am of hearing men give women blanket relationship advice, as though all men are the same,’ and ‘Here we go again,’ because much of what Gaskins said was nothing women haven’t already heard.  But then, he said something I had never heard any relationship expert -male or female – say before.  Gaskins insisted that women stop “praising” their boyfriends. Praising, he explained, entails posting pictures of him on social media, and in so doing, taking yourself off the market; allowing him to have sex with you however he wants to have sex with you; bending over backwards for him; and boasting about the good things that he does.  I was eager to understand why a man would insist that women not praise their boyfriends (only their husbands) and suggest that doing so could sabotage her chances of marrying said man.

Gaskins qualified his advice by noting that he has been married for 7 years, like simply being married for any length of time gives him supernatural authority to speak for all men. While I agreed that reserving sexual benefits for marital bliss is the ideal thing to do (not to get a man to marry you, but for women’s own sanity), I agreed more with a few of the male commenters who voiced their opinion regarding Gaskins’s unsolicited advice. My favorite male comment is below:

“Women do some things naturally. Experiencing love IS SOMETHING that they SHOULD be able to experience without hesitation. BUT because of “MEN + GAME + A.D.H.D.”, they don’t know what to do. They have to spend their time being strategic on how not to get hurt. That’s crazy as hell!! Not all women are looking to draw haters. Some of them are really happy to enjoy us. Instead of having that luxury, they wind up on a battlefield they have to learn to fight on. Its a shame that they are robbed of natural experiences because of childish games we play. We don’t understand that until a sister has us by the balls and she crushing our hearts in her red bottoms.

We, men, have the luxury of posting ANYTHING we want on Facebook BUT women have to watch everything THEY post. We can do whatever we want to do in our lives and know we will be forgiven for the worst of things BUT women have to watch everything they do. (Its no different than the disparities between whites and blacks in this world. Whites can walk into a store and not be watched but Blacks have to tolerate the eagle’s eye. Why?) There is absolutely no balance there. Only irresponsibility and a lack of respect for one another.

Women can be taught to be proud of the desires to please a man. GOD HIMSELF put that in them. BUT they can NEVER relax in that because of us men. We understand this when it comes to female relatives being mistreated by other men. Its clear as a bell then. There is another way to teach women how to deal with their natural “built-in” desires. Some of these bruthas need a good talking to. To ride past the fact that a brutha can’t appreciate a good woman that wants to please him, regardless of his options, is where the actual “damn shame” is. Not the other way around. I have little sisters, aunts, cousins, friends and a mother that have experienced the disrespectful acts of men. Married and not married, the result was the same.

So, can this same message be delivered to the men, some kind of way, as opposed to leaving all of the responsibility to the women? Because leaving all of the responsibility to the women, again, is something we take advantage of. Its not in our DNA to treat them poorly, its just another temptation we indulge in. We just excuse ourselves without a second thought. We have to get to the ROOT of the problem by raising these young men right and not let them get influenced by these “cancers” (e.g. Rap lyrics, reality shows, … etc.) in our society. We have to get to the ROOT!!”

Although his comment was long, everything this gentleman wrote NEEDED to be said. What has irked me the most, in dating, is that women have been urged and advised to go against their natural inclination to be nurturing and vulnerable.  Single people are being advised to hold back and guard their hearts at all costs. Give nothing, so when things don’t work out, you will have lost nothing; failing to note that if you gave nothing, you also gained nothing.  The root of the problem is not women who give too much, it’s the men who take from them with no remorse or accountability for their actions.

Just the other day, I had an epiphany. Sometimes, it isn’t anything you did wrong, or that you’re doing wrong, to keep yourself single. Sometimes, that particular man just isn’t for you.  Sometimes the promiscuous girl gets the guy, and sometimes the girl with virtue and innocence wins his heart.   That’s the beauty of it all; there is someone for everyone.

So, what are your thoughts on the video?  Should a man have to commit to marrying a woman before he receives her praise?  Should women reserve cooking and cleaning for their husbands? Are women who are giving their boyfriends “husband benefits” keeping themselves single by doing so?



5 thoughts on “Giving Boyfriends Husband Benefits

  1. Reblogged this on Chocolate Vent and commented:
    This is a good read ya’ll……check it out!

    Posted by Chocolate Vent | May 10, 2014, 10:09 AM
  2. Everything he said is true. My husband and I were friends first and he made me feel like I didn’t have to love him with one eye open in order to protect myself. My husband has treated me the same from day 1, but he’s a rare exception to the rule. He believes that commitment is commitment, whether it’s your girlfriend or your wife- if you love her, you put her first. Still, there were a few lines in the sand that I drew as far as the levels in our relationship. I didn’t cook for him on a regular basis until we were engaged. We didn’t move in together until 4 months before our wedding, and we didn’t get a joint bank account until after. As far as intimacy, my husband never has (and still doesn’t) make any demands on me in that regard, and I never put pressure on myself about it either.

    There are good guys out there, but nothing’s wrong with making a guy prove that he’s one of them before you pull out all the stops. Most men will get complacent because their friends, family and society reinforce the idea that it’s okay to let a woman shower you with love and care without giving her much of anything in return. Having a man is supposed to be reward enough. it’s a ridiculous double standard, but men aren’t changing. Women have to change the way they play the game in order to weed out the bums.

    Posted by ADB | May 13, 2014, 9:02 AM
    • @ADB What worked for you and your husband though, doesn’t necessarily work for all other, or even most men. I just think we are all so guarded in the first place, and to put further restraints on a relationship regarding how much one should give, is damaging to say the least.

      I think it’s a sad day when there is a double standard which inhibits people from acting freely and naturally. I too have certain restraints in a relationship, but I think it is due to my experience, and I don’t necessarily think it’s a “good” thing.

      Why should the guy be the only one to prove that he’s a good guy? It sounds so very one-sided. I think when we get into “proving” things, it’s slippery slope. How about just being with someone because you enjoy them and you all are compatible? Why should either party have to PROVE anything? It’s just unfortunate, like the commenter I quoted said, that we have to play these games in dating and in love.

      Posted by 30thoughts | May 13, 2014, 9:22 AM
      • I hear you, but I don’t think that proving yourself is some arduous process. You prove what kind of person you are by treating them well and being committed. But it takes time to get the measure of someone’s character. I just think we often set the bar too low on what a good guy is, whereas the bar for a good woman entails bending over backwards from day one. It didn’t come across well in my comment, but setting boundaries allows you to a) see if a guy will stick around even when you don’t make it 100% convenient and b) see if he actually reciprocates your feelings. Side note: Since when do men ever have to prove something in a relationship? Society generally puts the onus on women to show that they’re wife material and they often go overboard to do so (to their own detriment).

        Of course every relationship is different. I know a very happy couple who got married within 6 months of their first date, before they even graduated college. But they’re a rare exception. I just think people should take time to actually get to know each other before they fall into husband and wife like roles.

        Posted by ADB | May 14, 2014, 8:34 AM
      • @ADB “I just think we often set the bar too low on what a good guy is, whereas the bar for a good woman entails bending over backwards from day one.”

        That’s the thing though, a “good guy” is subjective, but that doesn’t mean anyone is right or wrong because they will accept some things other women will not. I think across the board, we all agree that good guys/girls don’t cheat, abuse (physically or emotionally), they have jobs, they’re responsible and generally have integrity. Most people want those basic things in a mate, but outside of those criteria, there are a host of other things that could or could not be deal breakers for some. For instance, my boyfriend likes a woman that can cook, and likely would not stay with a woman who couldn’t. On the other hand, there are guys who could care less whether or not their lady can cook.

        So, my point is, what a woman should or should not do in the beginning stages or during her relationship is determined by the circumstances of her relationship, not what some guy says that guys want/don’t want. I think a lot of women get in trouble trying to do all these different things that so-called relationship experts tell them to do.

        I say be you, do you and the right guy will come along, but trying to follow all these rules and regulations could do them a disservice.

        Posted by 30thoughts | May 15, 2014, 2:52 AM

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